Father Ramolla's Right to the Episcopacy

The Roman Catholic priest has the divine right to rule and govern his parishioners, who in return for the gift of his wisdom are expected to support him financially and agree with all his decisions without question or wavering.  Unfortunately, no other traditional Catholic priest or bishop today has proved worthy of this exalted calling, and only at St. Albert the Great Church in Fairfield, Ohio can we find the fulfillment of the ideal of the true Catholic Pastor, the Alter Christus, the Vicar of Christ.  Although most of the parishioners have shown themselves unworthy of such a pastor and have now either left the parish or have stayed to fight against Father Ramolla from within, there nevertheless remains a loyal handful who continue to give support to Father Ramolla, no matter what he does.  It is for this small but loyal band that we must continue Athanasius Seminary, Inc.  It is essential that their loyalty be rewarded by providing them with new priests who can continue to rule and govern them in the years to come.

For this reason we must provide ourselves with the means of ordaining our seminarians.  Father Ramolla has already had dealings with half a dozen traditional bishops, and not one of them has agreed to to raise him to their ranks.  On the contrary, each of these ingrates have found some imagined fault in our dear Father Ramolla, such as "immature," "trouble-maker," "liar," "thief and embezzler," "womanizer," "power-hungry", and "dictatorial."  Even other priests have joined this lynch mob against Father Ramolla.  The Pastor of Immaculate Conception Church in Cincinnati even referred to him as a "sexual predator." 

Fortunately, however, we are now in an excellent position to get Father consecrated by an old and rather dithery bishop, who as Father has said "probably won't even remember having consecrated me".  Of course, once he has mitred Father, we will not need to bother him for any further favors, as Father Ramolla will then have all the power he needs to cement his status in the traditional world.  Bishop Slupski can then be discarded with all the other bishops who have served their purpose.

Please show your support for Father Ramolla by voting for his consecration in the poll we have made available on this site.  Although Father will abide by the outcome of this poll only if is in his favor, it will serve to show the Lay Board and its lackeys who really runs the show here, and may even wake them up to the fact that very soon now, "Bishop" Ramolla will be back to take over their building and show them the door.

Seminarians Upset by Lay Pulpit Attacks

In one of the most devastating attacks yet on Father Ramolla and his two young seminarians, a former parishioner of St. Albert's has dared to publish an article characterizing our seminary as a "brothel".  The article (at www.thelaypulpit.blogspot.com) has received huge attention worldwide, and is widely regarded as having rung the death bell for Athanasius Seminary, Inc.  Not only that, but it has put a severe strain on our two highly-strung seminarians, who were not even well enough to be tempted by an angry Father Ramolla to another meal at one of Butler County's most expensive restaurants.

We urge our readers to disregard completely the insinuations of this article.  It is quite obvious to all who know him that Father Ramolla's proclivities are not in this direction.  Belying this crude attempt to portray him as something less than manly are the many angry complaints lodged against him on a regular basis since his seminary days -- all of which are connected with women and teenage girls.  Make no mistake, Father Ramolla is quite the man!

As for our seminarians, we have had many opportunities to observe them closely and it is again obvious that they are quite comfortable with who and what they are, making no attempt to hide their mutual admiration.  Although it is quite normal for them to end even their public conversations with the now familiar "I love you", this is a perfectly acceptable form of speech among young men today, and I'm sure our male readers will recognize it as typical of the way you yourselves speak to other men.

The one good thing about the article is that it served to publicize the poetic talents of one of Father Ramolla's boys.  Written by one of our seminarians as he fondly gazed at a sleeping colleague with whom he shared a bedroom at Mater Dei Seminary, the poem is entitled The Vigil, and reflects with deep empathy on the sufferings of the poor boy at the hands of the cold and unfeeling bishops and priests of the boy's two previous seminaries.  With a depth of feeling unequalled by Browning or Shelley, we are moved by the seminarian's fond whispers to his sleeping room mate:

"We desire your welfare, we love you truly,
And hold you to our hearts most tenderly."

Indeed the elegance of the rhymes is perhaps unequalled in English literature:

"For I love you and desire your true happiness,

But often I have heard you sigh: 'What a mess'."

It certainly takes a particular kind of talent to come out with lines like that, and it should give our readers a better insight into the makeup and personality of the young men who are all that's left of Athanasius Seminary, Inc.

Ramolla Resignation Announcement and Arrival of Mitre

It has not escaped our attention that the enemies of Athanasius Seminary, Inc. have been clamoring for the online publication of this week's parish bulletin, as it contains the official announcement of Father Ramolla's resignation.  So far we have prevailed upon those who handle the parish website not to publish it this week, as we are anxious that the announcement not fall into the hands of the Department of Homeland Security, thus jeopardizing Father Ramolla's ability to remain in the country.
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Nevertheless, for the benefit of our loyal friends who follow this website, below you will find a copy of the announcement, which we ask you to keep strictly confidential.

On a happier note, Father Ramolla's mitre arrived today.  It was a very exciting moment as the mailman came in with the large package and asked for Father's signature.  The seminarians gathered around, gasping with admiration as Father placed the 870-dollar mitre, with its gold brocaid and precious stones, on his head for the first time, adjusting and re-adjusting the angle for the best effect.

Slowly but surely we are gathering everything Father needs for his solemn consecration by old Bishop Slupski.  It is important that we arrange this as quickly as possible.  Father's enemies are no doubt trying to influence old Slupski, but so far we have managed to isolate him and make sure he hears none of the stories about Father Ramolla.  These enemies will stop at nothing to thwart Father's dream of becoming a bishop, his divine right to be numbered among the princes of the Church.

In closing, we understand there have been some snide comments that Father Ramolla's mitre did not come from a reputable Catholic retailer of fine clerical attire.  We can assure you that Joy's Jewelz has been in business for many months now, and we were treated with nothing but true professional courtesy by their representative BillieGirl200. 

Father Ramolla Seeks New Apostolate

Father Markus Ramolla left his native Germany, where he was pursuing a promising career cultivating cabbages in Bavaria, in order to receive his only formal education at Bishop Sanborn's Holy Trinity Seminary in Florida.  Detesting seminary life in which he was subjected to the authority of other people less gifted than himself, and to the acquisition of difficult theological concepts, he was finally ordained by Bishop Daniel Dolan of St. Gertrude the Great Church in West Chester, Ohio.

Pictured here at St. Gertrude's, from which Bishop Dolan soon dismissed him as a trouble maker, he opened the doors to Athanasius Seminary, Inc. in September 2011, with seminarians rescued from CMRI's Mater Dei Seminary in Omaha, Nebraska.  Father's abilities and charisma can be clearly seen in this remarkable coup, the result of hundreds of hours spent between January and July of 2010 telephoning and texting with Bishop Pivarunas' seminarians, finally succeeding in persuading them of the inferior quality of their education, and carefully grooming them into an awareness of their need to help him found a new seminary more suited to their personal lifestyle.

Since then, the seminary's ordaining bishop, every member of the faculty, and half the seminarians have either left or been dismissed.  But this has not deterred our courageous Father Ramolla from incorporating the seminary in March 2012, and seeking tax exempt status and the bishop's mitre.

Father hopes to draw more vocations from overseas to his seminary by promising them religious worker status, with a weekly salary and expensive visa applications to be paid for by the generosity of the parishioners of St. Albert the Great Church, of which Father Ramolla is temporary Pastor in his spare time from the seminary.

As Father Ramolla is now the only teacher left at the seminary, there are no actual classes, although Father occasionally provides lessons to the two seminarians in serving Mass and similarly important things that priests need to know a bit about.  Father hopes to turn the lack of education at the seminary to his advantage by attracting vocations among the less intellectually gifted.  Those who find the courses at other traditional seminaries (such as Mater Dei) to be too challenging are encouraged to leave, and join us instead at Athanasius Seminary Inc.  Here they will find no unpleasant challenges to their intellect, while Father Ramolla brings his own brand of personal care for their well-being and creature comforts.  Any seminarian who remains loyal and obedient is assured of being ordained sooner or later.

Any bishop or priest reading this, and interested in inviting Father Ramolla to take over his church, should note that Father's knowledge and managerial talent, not to mention his well known moral conduct and diplomatic skills, have made him the ideal candidate for the episcopacy he so ardently desires.  References are available from Father Ramolla himself, and on no account should references be sought from Bishops Sanborn, Dolan, Pivarunas, McKenna, Neville, or Petko.

Father Ramolla Resigns as Pastor of St. Albert the Great

Sunday, April 22 -- Good Shepherd Sunday

With financial assistance from the parish running dry, our Rector Father Markus Ramolla told the Board of Trustees last Saturday that he had no further interest in remaining as Pastor of St. Albert the Great Church.  With true pastoral care for souls he has realized that the care for the souls of his parish was interfering significantly with his close commitment to his two remaining seminarians.  The additional responsibility of taking care of these two boys full time has convinced Fr. Ramolla even more of the necessity of an episcopal consecration for himself. Accordingly he is now asking for your help in purchasing new cassocks, cappa magnas, buskins and purple socks.  Fr. Ramolla would also like to thank the parishioners of St. Albert's for purchasing his pectoral cross and mitre, the latter of which is scheduled to to arrive tomorrow at the seminary.  We are all very excited.

We also thank one of the elderly parishioners of St. Albert's for her generous donation of approximately a quarter of a million dollars, which will allow us perhaps to purchase the property in Fairfield for our two seminarians.  And even if the Department of Homeland Security discover Father Ramolla's loss of status, this sizable donation of an elderly lady's life savings will enable our new bishop and his two boys to leave the United States with this little nest-egg, and set up a new seminary overseas in the comfort and style to which a man of Father's calibre is entitled.